It wasn't fucking Cypher

It was that dick of a "Dad" of his. "Samael". The "Attendent". Bunch of glorified universe glitches claiming to be goddamn angels doesn't give them the damn right to fuck up my skull. To put me back into that goddamn PLACE. I was CALM GODDAMMIT until he decided to turn everything upside down and inside out and sideways... not that that is hard to DO when you turn the world into one of those fucking padded rooms - THEY ALL LOOK THE DAMN SAME.

Sensory deprivation, in part, really.

Makes the patients more keen on being friendly with their bitch nurses and the piss-shit doctors.

Least I always kinda figured that was the idea. Make the crazies want you to be around them cause at least that fills the Nothing with SOMETHING, right? even if it happens to be some braindead nurse who smiles at you as if you're fucking FIVE YEARS OLD. The entire place... is maddening. If you're sane going in, you'll be questionable by the time they let you out...

goddammit


goddammit i did not need this shit



i didn't NEED to be reminded of all the garbage. All the pointless tests and fake - disturbed? - smiles glued in place under lying - sickening yellow - eyes. Samael... just turned it. Just that little bit more. Stayin g in a place like that is disturbing and nerve-wrecking as is but he just... he revved it. and it got under my skin as cleanly as a hot knife through butter. The nurses, the Doctors, the other patients that peeked in through that tiny small ass window... they were people from back then. People from that place. And a mix of new faces from now. But no matter how I screamed at them that the joke was over...

I was crazy.

That was the rational.

No matter what I said or screamed or fought against... it was all because I was crazy.


Can you even... imagine what that's like?

It's like you're bleeding to death. The blood is EVERYWHERE.

But the more you try to get them to SEE that you are dying, the more they just smile those smile that just SCREAM what level of NUTS they think you are. And do. Abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING.


But I... may... have been able to pull through that decently enough. Might have been able to just... brush it off. Brush off all those grinning yellow eyes... even the ones that stared back at me in my refection... but what I couldn't...

what I...

"...Now, now, Alex, we've been over this before. Your mind is sick, remember?"

...Sam came to see me.

"It conjures things for you. Dark... twisted things. Painted in blood and doused in screams

until your very own screams echo up and down the corridors~

Just like all the other Crazies in here.

Locked up tight and the keys thrown well away~

Isn't it better this way, Alex?

My Dearest Alex...

A tiny cage such as this... is so very suiting of a rabid mutt like you.

You're dangerous, you know that, don't you?

You're your daddy's ankle biter, after all.

No argument there, hm?
You certainly inherited his Deadly Shot.

Not to mention that rather wicked temper of his~

He used to take some good swings at your dear ol' Ma, didn't he?
 

Shouldn't have been as surprised as I was...

when you took a swing at me." 

...It had been the last time we ever spoke. Just before the that damn accident that threw Sam onto one Path... and me onto another. I was scared. And angry. And frustrated. And I just... I needed someone to lash out at. To blame. To spit poison and utter things that, to this day - to this fucking MINUTE - I wish I could take back. Sam just... stood there, mostly. Looking miserable. Hurt. Taking it. Taking everything... until it tried to touch me. Tried to COMFORT ME...

and I took my hand... and stung it across Sam's face.

I can still... FEEL it. To this day, I can still FEEL Sam's PAIN on my own hand and I... I hate myself for it. I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. I hated myself for it THEN but I was too fucking proud - too fucking ASHAMED - to even say it. To even address it. Then there was no time, because He was there... and we all piled in and sped off in that car...

right into the path of that tractor trailer


i never got the chance... to tell Sam how sorry i am.


i never... wanted my last words to it to be... blame.




I'd give anything to change that moment


To say "I love you"

to HOLD Sam instead of screaming at it.

I knew Sam was just as scared as I was. I knew.


I just didn't care.


I'm a selfish piece of shit for that. And I'll never DO enough to crawl out of that hole.

Sam deserved better than me.

I told it that right from the start...

"Can you feel it chipping away inside your skull? Gnawing away? Bit by bit?

Peeling away all of what you are, or, rather, who you think you are.

You've always been good at Playing Dress Up, haven't you?

Wanting to play the part of the Hero~

But, at the end of the day...

who do you fool, Alex?

You were born into Blood, weren't you?

The badge, the costume... you know it was never you.

Not the real you. You were just playing along for the fun of it.

Smiling for the Cameras~"

...I don't really want to talk about it.

I don't think... there's anything to talk about.


I got a taste of what... "Nightscream's" specialty was.


for most of you, that's all I should have to say

Cypher said that, once he realized what was going on, it took him an hour or two to break through the loop to get me out. Feels... like an eternity more...


he's left me alone. they all have.

guess that's something to be thankful for

"Won't you Smile for me now, Alex~?"