Friday, April 18, 2014

You lot probably weren't expecting to hear from me again.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting to be typing up anything again. I was... well, I didn't really see any ending scenario of what I was doing that would.... lead to me walking away. I figured either Redlight was going to obliterate me in a "take you down with me" type gambit or.... I'd have a second - just one lousy second - where I could walk across the rift just before it sealed up. That I could... choose... to take the same fate that i was condemning others to. That I could finally.... be there.... for Sam. So it didn't have to be alone. It had been ALONE for so fucking long, but I thought...

It doesn't matter what I thought.

I had accepted death. You probably noticed.

David Banks, however, was not so willing to accept that.

He pulled me from the wreckage of that CUlt Town when it was still twisting and screaming out agains t itself as realities were SLICED away from each other and... and I don't remember all that much. I remember a ringing in my head so loud that my ears felt ready to burst and bleed. I remember clutching my skull in a haze of red - blood in my eyes, blood from my nose, blood on my tongue.... I could barely BREATHE without gagging...

but what hurt more than my mind or body then... what made the shuddering worlds around me all that unimportant... was knowing I'd missed my chance. That I'd condemned Sam, along with Luke, and I couldn't even TAKE IT WITH THEM because I was STUCK here...

I think I was dying.

But it really... didn't seem all that important.

I must have been already passed out when David turned up. Fracture was gone. Probably jumped back to his reality so as to not get stuck when everything started... shifting. I just remember... laying face down in the mud. Chilled and burning hot at the same time. Blackness edging in around me as I made my final choice to not... fight for it. To just let death happen, if that's what was scratching at the door. I'd given Max to a friend, so there was no real point in hanging around anymore. It was fine. Everyone else was gone and I knew I was a little off mentally anyway so... what the hell, right?

I woke up here.... last week sometime. The days kinda blur. I've been sleeping a lot. Guess I'm catching up on missed time... a hell of a lot of missed time...

I honestly didn't... consider it to be a "suicide" attempt.

It never CLICKED in my head as that.

I was just... going to be with Sam.

That was it.

But David... saw it, I guess. Felt where my mind was. Recognizable tones or something. And when I woke up cursing as he re-wrapped a bandage a bit too tight... I STILL hadn't clued in to where my mind was. David was saying all kinds of shit, and I just wasn't cluing in. I was upset. I was HURTING for condemning my love and my friend(s?) to ROT on the other side of that fucking veil. I felt GUILT for it...

Thinking back, I think I did recognize the FEAR that sparked in David's eyes when I said that.

He'd seen what Guilt had done to Sam.

I should have been using my fucking head better before laying that kinda thinking on Banks.

But I didn't. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to give a damn. And I nearly gave David a fucking heartattack when I got up while he was out and landed up meeting Em. Who I landed up making a snack for, along with my own, before I started into Story Mode. Explaining that, yes, her "Grandpa" and I knew each other from a WHILE back. How it was my job to catch him. To which she responded by saying I must not have been very good at my job. Which is... accurate. I guess. Considering. But anyway. I started talking about the (lighter side) of the "Good old days" and all the ACTUALLY funny scenarios that came up. Told her how Banks had dropped a fucking CRANE on my car at one point...

And that was when David practically burst into the room. Actually panicked.

He'd come home and found my room empty. Had assumed the worst.

THAT was when I finally got on the same page as him. When I really.... realized... what kind of a slap in the face I had been planning to give Sam and David and Luke and everyone ELSE who had worked to keep me alive. To get me THROUGH this shit without turning Sam's sacrifice useless.

I realize now... that I have to keep living. Fighting. No matter what the road. No matter what the pain or loss or possibilities of insanities.  I gotta keep it up. Cause I'm the last, aren't I? Last of the Prescott clan. I gotta live FOR them. The best I can. Push myself to be.... even better than what I think I'm capable of. For our son, our little girl.... and for Sam too. The love of my life. The one person who always saw the best of me, even when I was showing my worst.

Today was the first day I didn't have a headache or a nosebleed or both. So I thought I'd update here.

I'll fill you in on what happened at that Cult Town a bit latter on.

just, for now... I'm alive.

and I plan on staying that way.


  1. Glad to see you came out alright. Wasn't incredibly sure you'd be able to do... well, anything anymore.

    1. I didn't think I'd be doing much of anything either. I still wouldn't really consider myself "over the hump" of it but... I think I can push through it. Don't really have a choice, do I? I've fought for most of my life. Just gotta... keep doing that. I'll... figure it out. One step at a time.

      Thanks for everything, Fracture. Wouldn't have been able to get any of this shit done if you hadn't had my back in it.

    2. When I'm allowed, I like to think I always do the right thing.

      I don't. But I can always look back at this and say I do.