Wednesday, December 18, 2013

It wasn't fucking Cypher

It was that dick of a "Dad" of his. "Samael". The "Attendent". Bunch of glorified universe glitches claiming to be goddamn angels doesn't give them the damn right to fuck up my skull. To put me back into that goddamn PLACE. I was CALM GODDAMMIT until he decided to turn everything upside down and inside out and sideways... not that that is hard to DO when you turn the world into one of those fucking padded rooms - THEY ALL LOOK THE DAMN SAME.

Sensory deprivation, in part, really.

Makes the patients more keen on being friendly with their bitch nurses and the piss-shit doctors.

Least I always kinda figured that was the idea. Make the crazies want you to be around them cause at least that fills the Nothing with SOMETHING, right? even if it happens to be some braindead nurse who smiles at you as if you're fucking FIVE YEARS OLD. The entire place... is maddening. If you're sane going in, you'll be questionable by the time they let you out...


goddammit i did not need this shit

i didn't NEED to be reminded of all the garbage. All the pointless tests and fake - disturbed? - smiles glued in place under lying - sickening yellow - eyes. Samael... just turned it. Just that little bit more. Stayin g in a place like that is disturbing and nerve-wrecking as is but he just... he revved it. and it got under my skin as cleanly as a hot knife through butter. The nurses, the Doctors, the other patients that peeked in through that tiny small ass window... they were people from back then. People from that place. And a mix of new faces from now. But no matter how I screamed at them that the joke was over...

I was crazy.

That was the rational.

No matter what I said or screamed or fought against... it was all because I was crazy.

Can you even... imagine what that's like?

It's like you're bleeding to death. The blood is EVERYWHERE.

But the more you try to get them to SEE that you are dying, the more they just smile those smile that just SCREAM what level of NUTS they think you are. And do. Abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING.

But I... may... have been able to pull through that decently enough. Might have been able to just... brush it off. Brush off all those grinning yellow eyes... even the ones that stared back at me in my refection... but what I couldn't...

what I...

"...Now, now, Alex, we've been over this before. Your mind is sick, remember?"

...Sam came to see me.

"It conjures things for you. Dark... twisted things. Painted in blood and doused in screams
until your very own screams echo up and down the corridors~
Just like all the other Crazies in here.
Locked up tight and the keys thrown well away~
Isn't it better this way, Alex?
My Dearest Alex...

A tiny cage such as this... is so very suiting of a rabid mutt like you.

You're dangerous, you know that, don't you?
You're your daddy's ankle biter, after all.
No argument there, hm?
You certainly inherited his Deadly Shot.
Not to mention that rather wicked temper of his~

He used to take some good swings at your dear ol' Ma, didn't he?
Shouldn't have been as surprised as I was...

when you took a swing at me." 

...It had been the last time we ever spoke. Just before the that damn accident that threw Sam onto one Path... and me onto another. I was scared. And angry. And frustrated. And I just... I needed someone to lash out at. To blame. To spit poison and utter things that, to this day - to this fucking MINUTE - I wish I could take back. Sam just... stood there, mostly. Looking miserable. Hurt. Taking it. Taking everything... until it tried to touch me. Tried to COMFORT ME...

and I took my hand... and stung it across Sam's face.

I can still... FEEL it. To this day, I can still FEEL Sam's PAIN on my own hand and I... I hate myself for it. I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. I hated myself for it THEN but I was too fucking proud - too fucking ASHAMED - to even say it. To even address it. Then there was no time, because He was there... and we all piled in and sped off in that car...

right into the path of that tractor trailer

i never got the chance... to tell Sam how sorry i am.

i never... wanted my last words to it to be... blame.

I'd give anything to change that moment

To say "I love you"

to HOLD Sam instead of screaming at it.

I knew Sam was just as scared as I was. I knew.

I just didn't care.

I'm a selfish piece of shit for that. And I'll never DO enough to crawl out of that hole.

Sam deserved better than me.

I told it that right from the start...

"Can you feel it chipping away inside your skull? Gnawing away? Bit by bit?
Peeling away all of what you are, or, rather, who you think you are.
You've always been good at Playing Dress Up, haven't you?
Wanting to play the part of the Hero~
But, at the end of the day...
who do you fool, Alex?

You were born into Blood, weren't you?
The badge, the costume... you know it was never you.
Not the real you. You were just playing along for the fun of it.
Smiling for the Cameras~"

...I don't really want to talk about it.

I don't think... there's anything to talk about.

I got a taste of what... "Nightscream's" specialty was.

for most of you, that's all I should have to say

Cypher said that, once he realized what was going on, it took him an hour or two to break through the loop to get me out. Feels... like an eternity more...

he's left me alone. they all have.

guess that's something to be thankful for

"Won't you Smile for me now, Alex~?"

Friday, December 13, 2013


i told you. i TOLD you no white no lock no not goddamn ANYTHING like it and THIS is what you do?!! am I fuckinG AMUSING YOU NOW!?! IS THAT IT?? ALL FOR A GIGGLE?! FINE! FUCKING FINE haha what a laugh i don't CARE just open the goddamn door

just open the door


you cant do this you... it isn't a joke. it isn't FUNNY i'm not crazy i'm NOT FUCKIING CRAZY i'm CALM i swear i am i won't leave just... just get me out of here. i can't.... I can't BE in these walls again. not this. not this i'm not crazy i'm not im not IM NOT i thought it was a goddamn NIGHTMARE at first but i can't... i can't wake up. what have you done...? I TRUSTED YOU, YOU FUCK AND THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOVE DOWN MY THROAT??! this is your choice of punishment or some shit for me for being weak or some fuck!? you made your goddamn POINT just open... open the damn door. i spent threeyears h ere i can't... i...

you made your point just...


no no no no n o no NO NOTT HE FCKING WHITE COAT FUCKS!!!!!



Thursday, December 12, 2013

I'm surrounded by assholes

But they're right.

I tried to leave like a fucking idiot. Obviously, I wasn't thinking straight. But I just got... sucker punched, to put it lightly. Had a little bit of a "moment" or ten. I figured throwing myself at Redlight, even if I knew deep down it wasn't going to stop anything, was better than just sitting around. Cause at least then I'd be DOING something...

but doing something does imply accomplishing something.

And I certainly wasn't going to be doing that by just... throwing in the towel.

Everyone kept telling me that, but I didn't want to listen. Cause that would imply I really COULDN'T do anything but wait it out... and I was... and am... very VERY sick of waiting. Especially since the blood is just... rising higher and higher. Can almost FEEL it sloshing around my waist. The blood I spilled by deciding to get involved in this mess. The others keep telling me its not on me. That none of it is ON me... but that's something I can't believe. Death caused from inaction is just as heinous as taking that life yourself. I used to see it time and time again on the job. Situations where... if someone had just done something - done ANYTHING - it probably would have saved lives... but no. Too worried about their own skin to do that, aren't they? Would rather video it and post it on youtube for the hits than actually stand up and DO something... stand against someone...

Anyway. Cypher stopped me from actually leaving.

He gave me a choice, actually. The gentleman's asshole that he is.

One, I be a good little Nobody and stay on Lockdown in my room until I let "sense back into that thick head of [mine]".

Two, I continue to try to leave, so I'd remain on Lockdown. In a Loop. Of my room.

Opening a door only to find yourself reentering the room you're leaving gets old FAST.

Cypher's not going to let me out of here anytime soon. He has enough to worry about without adding me as a flight risk, and I don't blame him for it. I'm supposed to be here to help the issue, not split his attention another way... which is probably ANOTHER reason why Redlight was doing all this shit. I know I've been... quiet... since my last outburst. But I didn't.... I wasn't in the right mind to talk to all of you. Wasn't in the right mind LAST time. I shouldn't have written that. I shouldn't have. But I did. And now Redlight KNOWS just how much he's getting under my skin. Oh, he assumed before, I'm sure. But now he knows.

I've had two more videos hit my email account since then.

One was a video... of the house Sam and I bought together. The house that we... were supposed to raise our family in. The house that we abandoned along with the rest of our lives when... when He came. When every second was haunted by the thought of seeing that... "face" again. That sightless gaze. everything elongated. Stretched. He... He owned that house, by the end. It wasn't ours. It was all His. Every corner. Every dark spot. Every time we turned around... we were haunted by that feeling. that CRAWLING. that clawing in our guts... at just the thought of seeing Him again...

Seeing those rooms again.... they almost seemed normal. All decorated... with someone elses things. Someone else's life. The camera rolling over pictures on the wall. A little girl posing in a ballerina outfit. Cute girl. Wide, green eyes. Probably twelve. Thirteen. Somewhere in there. Then the camera went to a picture of her twin brothers in matching soccer outfits. Gaps in wide grins. Red hair. Just like the hair on the bride in a wedding shot. Nice looking couple, though he was obviously a lot more laid back than her. Next shot told me why. She was a lawyer. He was a stay at home dad. Bit of a... chef extraordinaire, I guess.

The camera took my over school photos. Vacation pictures. Small trinkets, no doubt souvenirs from this place and that...

Then the microphone began picking up... noises. crying. strained breathing. Before the view turned... and spanned across the couple. Bound to chairs and gagged. Terrified. Confused. Already bruised. Already bleeding. And their kids... nowhere in sight. Morgan's voice starting off screen. Telling me... how I was either one of two things. Either I was a coward - whimpering and hiding away while letting others take my place. Or I was sitting back and watching... because I was enjoying it. Because I was... just like him. Going on about the feeling he got... from dominating another human. Like a High of some sort. Telling me that I had to know the feeling. That they knew where I'd come from. How I'd grown up. How my old man had trained me. How I already had blood on my hands before I'd even got out of Detroit... and now that blood was just... soaking me. From head to toe.

When Morgan stepped out... he had the kids with him. The twins were knocked down to the floor in front of their parents. Tied together.

The girl... stood beside Morgan. Emerald eyes staring straight ahead.

And a red ribbon in her hair.

Morgan handed her a jerry can without another word. And she took it as if on autopilot. Stepping up... and turning it over on her brothers. They squirmed in their bonds as it soaked through but got nowhere. And once the can was empty... Morgan handed her another. Which she splashed over her parents. I could practically smell that stench as I watched them all twist and wriggle.and thrash. Knowing what was coming next... and being completely powerless to do anything about it. Least until the can was empty... and the next thing the girl did was take off all the gags. One by one by one by one. The pleads and demands were instantanious... but it all fell on deaf ears as Morgan grabbed the girl and pulled her back over to him. Out of harms way, I guess, before handing her a set of matches.

Once sparked, she tossed the small flame onto her own brothers.

The fire burst out. And so did the screaming.

The parents screaming in anguish and horror as their boys screamed and cried in agony.

Until the flames crossed over to where the parents were tied up. Then it was nothing but agony.

Morgan left with the girl, and all the rest in Red. The house burning behind them. He took the camera personally as he walked. Staring into it as he told me if I ever really stopped... to compare Dr. Marsh - Proxy Bob - to Sam. Going on about how my choice in allies really were no different from my choice in enemy. But that.... since I seem so hypocritical with it, then I wouldn't mind them playing the same trick on Alicia.


Her only damn crime... is that her family bought our old house.

And now she... they.... they sent me another video. I don't really want to get into it but... Alicia was their new tool. They put her into a white dress. Barefoot. Still with that red bow in her hair...

Morgan still did his.... own routine. That sword. The rape. Always the same. The same pleads. Screams. Cries.

then there was her

and afterward... i was sent a small clip of her... released from the Red. when she got back control. knowing what she'd done. knowing everything... just like Sam did... just like... Dr March does...

her screaming... just keeps echoing in here.

just keeps... echoing....

odd, really. I don't remember the walls being white in here.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

sam wassn't a monster.

i am

i am... for doing NOTHING. for just SITTING HERE and LETTING him... butcher them like this. i didn't want this. this wasn't the deal. this wasn't how it was supposed to GO GODDAMMITT!! WHY DO PEOPLE DIE FOR ME??! WHY?? Why when it's ME that you want, you STUPID RED FUCK!??!! JUST COME AND GET ME!! TORTURRE ME!! no tthem.

WHy them...?

the first video... was on the 13th. a school. AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YOU SICK FUCKSS! They were KIDS! Class after class of KIDS just .. butchered. slaves in Red kept anyone from leaving as that BITCH Morgan... worked his way through the schooll, one by one. ssome of them... were cut clean in half. guts everywhere on the floor. others were... beheaded. others had that... blade driven straight through them. others... mostly the ones that tried to run... had all their limbs cut off. Just left them. left them to bleed out while they... cried... and screamed for their moms and dads and I just... some of them... i,... i swore i saw Leo among them but i know... i know that's just,... that's not possible. but i heard his screams just as clear in my head as every single kid. teacher. the secretaries and principle... even the janitors... were all focused on. one by one by one by one...

there was... one woman. a teacher. during a pause amongst the blood and crying and screaming... using her own body as a barrier in a doorway. her students obviously on the other side by the sounds of crying. she begged Morgan... for mercy for the children. not herself. just the children. Sam would have done that, Sam....

for the love of God, they were just babies...

I watched... for what felt like my lifetime. somehow i wound up sitting, though i don't remember that. i couldn't... think... or say... anything. it was like watching a bad horror movie, and you're just... waiting for the heroes to show up. to stop it. to just make it fucking STOP... and once it... clicks... that that was real. That that... really happened....

i threw up

and then i ran

Cypher... followed me to my room. Telling me how I should have expected it. should have beenn.... prepared for it. But how do you prepare for that?? HOW? it wasn;t supposed to  be this way. I swore to PROTECT the people, not be the REASON they get... cut apart...

He... told me not to talk about it. That it would just... prove to Red-Fuck that he was hitting the right buttons.

so i kept my mouth shut.

i didn't say ONE FUCKING THING.

but it didn't stop

another video on the 17th. this one was... at a church during Sunday Mass. packed full of believers. the choir was singing... right up until Morgan booted his way in. and beheaded the first person he saw. A man. mid-fifties. He dropped like a sack of potatos... and his head was kicked down the center alley like a soccer ball. Splattering its way down and eventually rolling to a stop at the steps up front. Everything... came to a deathly silence. Shock. Disbelief. Then... raw panic and screaming. a rush for exits that were already blocked... and, above it, Morgan yelled for the choir to sing. He... told them... that if they SANG they would LIVE. And... they did. they lot of them... started singing... even as Morgan's blade reaped death after death. same as the school. One by one. Making sure the camera caught each one. For me. each death... that was on my hands. they wanted me to see it. watch it. feel it. and i... did. i couldn't not watch as every member of the church was cut down, save the choir and the padre... and then he started cutting down the choir. their songs turning to screams and pleads that... he keep his word.... again and again, "you said" "you said"...

just like i swore to Serve and Protect, ain't it?

He slaughtered them like he'd done the rest, just.... blood on white gowns... blood on stained glass... on wooden floors and carvings of angels... all just... painted red until the last scream stopped and the camera turned focused in on the padre. the last one alive. Lying on the floor. cut up and bleeding out, but not dead. not dead yet, though he probably wished he was when Morgan started... ripping his robes off...

the next one... was at an orphanage.

The one after that... was a community center. they were having a charity event...

after that... was a hospital.

and every place... every person... who asked why. who... begged for mercy... every child and doctor and wife and husband and teacher and INNOCENT...

Morgan told them who's fault it was.


"How about you beg for ALEX to save you?"

i can't.... i can't get their voices out of my head.

i can't make it STOP. It has to fucking STOP it's ENOUGh it's...

today... an hour ago... they sent a new one.

they tracked down every member... of my old team.

i started screaming when i recognized the first house. Annie's house. Cypher grabbed me from behind.  fought to keep hold on me and slammed me back againsst a wall. trying to make... me focus. to snap me back. but i just... it was on the screen. SHE and HER FAMILY were on the FUCKING SCREEN and she... 

they tortured her.

told her the same things until she... screamed for me to help her just like they all had.

Until her family... was screaming too. He tortured... Annie... until she was near the point of no return. Near it, but still aware. And that's when Morgan... turned his attention to her family. Her husband and three boys. Andrew, 17. Sean, 15. And Chris, 12. Morgan... castrated the two youngest... and then he raped Andrew. The eldest. And then raped the father. Each tortured during and after... until the last one alive was Annie. Spitting blood and cursing Morgan...

and cursing me.

before she received the same treatment.

only... her final death came when he... he took her skull and smashed it into the floor until it... broke open. Until I... i could see her... brains through the mush of blood and bone. Digging his... fingers in and... cracking it open all the way. he just... didn't stop. Death wasn't even ENOUGH he just... started mutilating every part of her and... and then stringing her up. Stringing them ALL up like turning the entire famliy into some... ddemented art display...

showing me the finished product of my own... my own actions. my oown... inactions...

it was Annie.

it was ANNIE!! how could i...? how could i have... left her to that...?  to suffer through that...?! to MORGAN!?! HOW?!!

how could i have... left them all... to thatt...?

the next house i saw on the screen.... was Cho's. his... heavily-pregnant wife. And his mother-in-law and father-in-law. 

then Patrick's place. he was... woken from bed with his fiance.

then Madeleine... she'd... just come home from a date, it looked like...

They left Jacob for last.

My partner.

A widower. Only had his teenage daughter left.

Morgan... took his daughter away first. made him listen to her screaming from her bedroom... until the screams and cries got weaker and weaker. Jacob was crying. Cursing and crying. Begging for his daughter. And when they took him in to see her, they took the camera too... and i... 

i had never seen so much blood from one person.

covering everything. splattered everywhere. dripping down. Grace was lying on the bed. naked. obviously raped. body torn open. dead eyes staring up at the ceiling... where my own name had been smeared in her blood...

Jacob started sscreaming. collapsing to the floor.

then it was his turn

and i just... i...

it's my fault

i've watched... every single face. heard every word. watched every death.

too much death


i'm not worth this

i'm not


i can't do this anymore

i can't WATCH this anymore

i can't.

i can't...