My most humble apologies for dropping off the face of the planet, but I found myself otherwise occupied in several different ways. Not only have I been lending my assistance in solidify details concerning a Third-Possible-Redlight-Host. Not only have I spent endless hours honing my skills back as they should be. Both on my own... as well as against Tiger. Against Star. Against David. Not only all that...
But the Nightmares have started again.
I thought I had left them behind. I thought I'd escaped that Plague in favor of His Own. The Plague that has gone dormant deep down inside of this body of mine... waiting for the time when my duty here is complete and it bubbles to the surface once more. When I'm... drawn back to The Castle. The... rats...
Perhaps this is a gift from the Black Queen.
Her last laugh for killing her.
For that was when it began again. That was when I started bolting up awake at night. Covered in a cold sweat. Feeling like my heart was about to break my ribcage apart. Throat raw and dry. Feeling her blood and guts all up my arms. Each pulse and quiver and....
I have killed many in my life.
It should be a simple act by now.
But I suppose this is what becomes of soldiers who cross that line. Who are shoved into the darkest, twisted parts of their minds and left to ROT in the blood and bile there. Those... who lose the stomach for all this... lose... the nerve to slaughter by the hundreds. To rip out intestines as if removing the stuffing from an old, broken toy. To hear the screaming. The pleads.
Quite honestly... I leave the room when the Others start playing with whatever poor soul they dragged in.
I suppose it's... too familiar.
But I don't have to get into that, do I? No, it's been gone over enough. And it's not pity that I want. Revenge is all I care for. All I NEED to accept my suffering. So long as I can DRIVE that son of the BITCH to his knees... so long as I can make him FEAR for what is in store for him.... I can return to the Castle. I'll have justice. Or at least the closest thing to it in this life.
I don't have to kill by the scores anymore. I just have one life to take. I know others will fall between now and then but... I have nothing to prove.
I have nothing... to prove.
Not to my old friends.
And not you.
Oddly, I've found support... in an unexpected soul. Someone I never really paid much attention to before.
I don't know why - whether it was something he sensed, like Star says he can - but he knocked on my door one night. I was awake anyway. Just sitting and thinking. Not really caring to try my luck at sleeping. So I didn't mind it at all when he took a chair and sat with me. Talked with me. Well, I talked. He wrote. Kind of odd, having a conversation with a mime, but dare I say it, he's the sanest of all of us here. Or at least the most level headed. He's written me pages about where he comes from. What growing up was like. When he saw Slender Man the first time. How he became a Proxy. Why.
I remember... once going on a rant. Right before I thought I was going to die from The Plague Doctor's Will. Going on about... how Proxies are at the end of their stories. How, no matter how twisted they are, they are still human. And no one has the right to steal that from them. Their humanity. They've had everything else stolen from them. Why you Runners insist on taking away the one thing that could perhaps earn you a hesitation from them - maybe even the MERCY of a quick death - is well beyond my understanding.
Then again, a lot of things seem to be beyond my understanding these days.
I'm not the Proxy I used to be.
But then again... I'm well past the End of my Story, aren't I?
Perhaps, at this point, all I am is a Ghost.